Don’t believe everything you hear. For instance, they say that watching too much television will turn your mind to mush. That would all be very true if they had not omitted the most important part of that sentence, causing it to read this way – watching too much television without thinking will turn your mind to mush. I have watched a lot of television in my lifetime, and I usually do it while still engaged in thinking – thus my mind has not yet turned to mush. And thus I can write an article today to tell you not to believe everything you hear or see on television.
There are great many incongruities and things that just plain don’t make sense on television, and that is why I tell you to think and not take those things at face value, lest you too begin to not make sense. Let us begin with a very simple but very common example.
Let’s say you’re watching your favorite show, which just emerged from a commercial break. Now, it’s not particularly important what those commercials are. In my case, I usually find something else to watch in the meantime or mute the commercials for a couple minutes.* Invariably – and I do mean “invariably” – what is the phrase the people on your favorite show say when they emerge from said commercial break? Why, they say “welcome back”. This is the biggest piece of nonsense ever perpetrated over the airwaves. The people obviously mean to imply that you, the watcher, left for two minutes and now have returned. But we both know that unless you had to use the restroom or get a refill of your favorite drink or snack (we will omit the possibility that you turned the television set off, because the assumption is that this is your favorite show), you remained firmly planted on your couch. The cold hard truth should be staring them straight in the eye – they, the show, were the ones who left, and it is we who should be saying “welcome back”; or else they should say “and now we’re back”.
Now let’s say you are watching a newscast. The anchor shows a video clip of an amazingly interesting story (never mind what it is) and says, “Coming up next, we’ll tell you about (insert story here)”. Anyone who has ever watched a newscast knows perfectly well that this story is not coming up next. In fact, it will likely be a good forty-five minutes before they even get to it, and that’s assuming they do get to it (which they might not). And so, because they never tell you this but keep telling you that it really is right around the corner, you are stuck watching dozens of news stories you had no interest in just to get to the one you thought was sort of interesting.
Sportscasts take the cake when it comes to mind-numbing nonsense. It’s the pre-game show before the big game, and the sportscaster – again, invariably – lists his handy-dandy “keys to the game”. These are keys which, if the contesting teams play according to them, will assure them a victory. If they don’t, well, they’re sure to lose. However, two or three hours later, when the game is over, do they revisit the “keys to the game”? Of course not. If they did, they would have to admit that the Bulls won despite the fact that Michael Jordan did not score 45 points, or that the Patriots still won the game even though Tom Brady left in the third quarter with a stomach ache, or even that the Yankees were not able to pull it out in the ninth even though Alex Rodriguez’s three three-run homers were at the top of the list called “keys to the game”. No, we can’t expect them to be that thorough. However, whatever proved to be the real “keys” to today’s game, you can be sure that those things will be tomorrow’s “keys to the game” and have no substantial influence on the outcome.
And then there’s the fact that I am really not sure what the value of sportscasters is for television games, especially for viewers who understand the sport they are watching. They state the obvious so many times it gets nauseating. “And there’s a swing and a miss!” Yes, I know – I just saw him swing and miss. “And he’s gonna run into the endzone for a touchdown!” Yep – I looked at the set, and boom, there it was. “Three-pointer – good!” I saw the swish just as well as you did, Marv. The only value sportscasters really lend to the televised game is an occasional – and I do mean “occasional” – insightful comment. Telling me that the look on manager Tony La Russa’s face means that he is contemplating taking his star pitcher out early when in fact Tony has indigestion does not come under the heading of “insightful comment”. Watching the game with the “mute” button firmly in the “on” position does not usually cause the viewer to miss much.
But let’s return for a moment to newscasts. If you’re a news junkie like me, you get a certain thrill when those grand mal seizure-causing flashing lights erupt on the screen and a deep, important voice intones, “Breaking News!” You expect them to go directly to the Oval Office, where the President will announce that we are bombing Russia in five minutes. But no. If it’s not a car chase in Los Angeles, it’s usually a house fire in Buffalo or a round of severe weather in Kansas. Whatever the case, it’s frequently anti-climactic. But no matter how trivial or lacking in details the story actually proves to be, you can be sure they will round up their all-star panel (the one made up of the only four people in the world who know everything) at headquarters ASAP to break it down while they wait to discover details about what the story actually is.
And we have not yet left the subject of newscasts. It is a known fact that, be it national or local news, the networks synchronize their commercial breaks. They are deathly afraid that, should they go to a commercial break before the other network, you might get the same story with the same spin and the same footage on that other network; and we just can’t have that. So the average viewer is left with the frustration of having nothing to flip to during those breaks. What’s more, the local weather forecasts are a hoot. Each channel has their own “expert” meteorologist who rightly predicted nine out of the last four big hurricanes, and their own “super-duper Doppler” radar that can pick up condensation (or is it dog drool?) on that blade of grass to the left of the one nearest the sidewalk. If most people are anything like my parents, it seems we feel compelled to faithfully watch each weather forecast to see if Joe on Channel 9 will call for rain on Tuesday, or if Fred on Channel 17 really thinks that cold front is going to make it this far south, or if Mike on Channel 5 is going to break with Joe and Fred and set Monday’s high at 91 instead of 92.
As you may be able to tell, sports and news are the main areas of expertise that I have honed in my years of watching television. There are, I’m sure, many more observations that I could make, and perhaps we shall have to make this a multi-article affair. But let me quote Yogi Berra in saying that you can observe a lot by just watching. However, when you watch TV, don’t just watch. Think while you’re at it, or that screen may just suck your brain right out of your head.
*Author’s Note: I will almost always “un-mute” the commercial when the commercial happens to be a Priceline commercial starring William Shatner. Those commercials, for some reason, never fail to tickle my funny bone no matter how many times I see them.
No comments:
Post a Comment