Looking Is Not Buying

I must have been three or four years old at the time – but that really doesn’t matter. Wise phrases have been uttered before by people of such a tender age, and I don’t see why the fact that I can’t think of any other examples right now should matter any more than the previous fact. The only pertinent fact of this article is that I said it and will now explain it to you. Those were two facts, but I digress.
If any of you have taken a gander at the “Info” portion of my Facebook profile, and have ever thought it worthwhile to scan as far as the category “Favorite Quotations” (this is somewhat in doubt, which is why I draw attention to it), you will have seen, among my other favorite quotations, a quotation by me. I will for now ignore any accusations of egotism – for you see, some twenty years after the fact, the quotation is still quoted in my family circles. That quotation is – “Looking is not buying”.
I would have paused to let you think about that for a moment, but since there is not in writing, as there is in music, anything equivalent to an effective pause, I will allow you to create your own for effect. When you are ready, you may continue reading.
When I first uttered that phrase, I was with my Mom and Dad in our local Wal-Mart; my sister was very likely not yet born. Now, I will ask you – what is likely to be the most attractive section of such a store for a young gentleman of three or four? Is it the clothes aisle? I highly doubt it, if the young gentleman has realized any manliness at all; even a small girl of that age will probably not think clothes to be as fabulous as she soon will. Is it the gardening section? No. What about the pet section? Well, I will allow for that possibility, because at our local Wal-Mart there used to be tanks of small fish in the pet section. Could it possibly be the automotive section? Highly unlikely.
Let’s stop fooling ourselves. The only section of Wal-Mart that any three- or four-year-old boy would, even for a moment, consider worth looking in is the toy section. Our local chapter happened to have three or four aisles devoted to the subject, not including the girls’ toy aisles (which I never looked in). They had everything a kid like me would find interesting – G.I. Joes, Ghostbusters, army dudes, cowboys and Indians, toy pistols you could shoot caps in (those were always fun), toy knives, and all manner of fake weaponry and plastic humanity. Just one pass down the aisle could make one excited and long to get something.
There was one challenge, however. Gentlemen of three or four are usually not gainfully employed, and even if they have been given a savings bond or certificate of deposit, they are not usually authorized to draw against such an investment vehicle. Thus, an independent personal spending spree is out of the question. What to do? Well, it was simple – for our parents, when we are that age, are the equivalent of Congress. Ask, and you might receive – yes, I said “might”. That poses an additional challenge, one which I was able to overcome with my brilliant new phrase.
You see, if I could get my parents in the toy aisle with me, and get them to go down each aisle at least once or twice, I could fix my gaze on an especially enticing item and express my interest in it – in varying degrees of loudness and emphasis, of course. More than half the battle would already be won, and the only question remaining would be whether they would consent or not – and it is perfectly obvious they would, if they saw with their own eyes how perfectly desirable and, quite honestly, necessary this item would be to add to my already-full toy chest. This is much better than the alternative, which would be that my parents head straight for the check-out counter without even looking at the toy section.
I will admit that “looking is not buying” was a little sly and disingenuous of me to say. It is true, though, because you can certainly look without buying. But we all know that my motive was to not only look, but to buy. However, my hope was that my parents did not realize this, and I could put one over on them. I do believe that the plan worked more than once in those early childhood days.
I realize that I am now running a grave risk, in more than one area. First, though I am not aware of it, small children may read this blog and discover the secret of getting all of their wishes granted at any store they enter, much to the chagrin of their parents. More horrific are the future risks this quotation poses to its originator. You see, if I am fortunate enough to someday be married, my wife may very likely use my phrase against me, and with more cunning than any three- or four-year-old could muster. She may, realizing that my paycheck has but lately come in, drag me down the shoe aisle, reminding me sweetly, “Looking is not buying”. She would expect, no doubt, that I would realize how necessary that 26th pair of shoes is to her and cave in like my parents did two decades ago. Worse yet, my own children, if the Lord gives any to me, would no doubt wield their own father’s weapon against him. I know all these things. As somebody else (of unclear age) also once said, “Turnabout is fair play”.